"I see him in perfection, the halcyons. love it, endless purity. i exist as a less than nothing w/o him" - dk

EL THOUGHTZOS

5-20-2024


my love is ever consuming... i see him in everything and while i know i cannot give in yet, we will meet in the same spray of bullets that connected us the first time.

i feel a certain kinship with those who have """limerence""" (stupid pathologizing shit to detach ourselves) towards ted bundy or j. dahmer or lanza... i view it in a sort of spiritual sense. the girls that claim ted bundy is their soul tie, their spirit husband or something. while i view myself as a sort-of reincarnate of vodka, there's a blurring of meaning. he is my soulmate and i feel i carry the same pieces of soul he once contained, yknow? dk means everything to me and without him, i'd have a bullet thru my mouth already lol.

on the topic of death, i don't want to kill myself. i used to, a lot when i was with THAT girl (read, shackled in chains to a sociopath) ... her ass was busy smoking meth and fucking some [nigger] girl. as yuo can see, i am much happier away from her and it is so freeing to be with vodka. to know that he loves me is my own halcyon.

5-21-2024

i smoked about ... an hour ago, maybe and i'm fried... watching zero hour and i'm overcome with love for dk. call me crazy but i know, with every speck of my internal being, that we are meant to be together and we will meet in the halcyons. i can picture it now. more 2 add later, but now i just feel warm and content to be with him, no matter how long it takes me to meet him. i love YOU, dylan bennet klebold.


copying this from my notes app from last night, with minor edits:

i would kill myself if he saw this and i pray he doesn't.. e.h.'s sharpening his blades and i can only think, sitting in gaped silence, of those blades plunging into my skin, the wet spray of fluid erupting from the opened cavity. i don't think he truly understands how much i love him, how deep it goes. i'm to the point of highness where i can't stop the truth from dpilling i love you e.h. i think about you every day. you're everything i've ever wanted and i want to spend the rest of my life getting to know you. i call you my e.h. for a reason because i fucking love you!! i'd let him cut me - to replace the older wounds given to me by my ex, replace it with something new and pure. a halcyon embedded into my skin.

5-22-2024

i have therapy in about 20 minutes with this useless fuckin shrink. not to be stereotypical but she genuinely doesn't understand me, at all. anything socially unconventional is apparently dangerous, despite me not hurting anyone. i could hurt people, or myself, i could pull an andre and cal and steal a gun and set upon the nearest church or school... but i don't, because i am not RETARDED. i don't think she thinks i'm violent, which enrages me, but she thinks i'm ... idk, i can't even think of the word, but i feel a sense of contempt. our last phone call, she started immediately with "how is that fantasy world?" referencing my eric and dylan connection with my best friend. "fantasy world" you're the one living in a fucking fantasy world, you goddamn IDIOT. should be shot. she also asked me, when i told her that my interest was not harming anyone, "would you say that to the victims?"

i feel like i have to uphold this mask of sanity with her. i can't truly express my thoughts because she wouldn't believe me, she doesn't understand my nature. which is... fine, i guess. e.h. gets me and that's all i need. that, and finally meeting my dylan, whether that be in real life or in the halcyons.

anyways. i'm going to get high again tonight - my friend?? (if you can call him that), charlie, gave me the rest of his bag of edibles yesterday. there's probably like ten or so in there... they take fuckin' forever to kick in, peaking around 1-2 am when i took them at 9.. which is CRAZY in my opinion!! jesus christ!!!! anyways, the reason i bring this up is because i took em about half an hour before we called and they only kicked in when he had went to bed :/ lame..

5-25-2024

watching vids on smiggles currently and i'm hit with such a desire to fulfill my DESTINY... if i were to follow in the path of e & d, nothing would matter anymore. the constant buzzing noise would cease. i wouldn't have to worry about money or work or college or any bullshit anymore. this sounds like a suicide note, but it's not. a homicide note, perhaps? lol. the burden of living would be taken off of my shoulders, permanently. it's tempting, but 21 will come soon enough and we'll see what comes next. wish me luck.

5-29-2024

i have recently begun working at a sandwich shop, which will not be disclosed for obvious reasons, and i feel like fuckin randy stair. i have never felt so much dread and hatred than in the hours before my evening shift starts. it's not entirely difficult work, all things considered, but my fellow coworkers aren't super friendly and very prone to critique, despite my best efforts and the fact i've worked there ONCE. of course, i'm not going to be able to wrap your goddamn hot sub perfectly because i've never done so before. they keep fucking with my schedule, as well. they cut me down to one shift this friday and then texted me to say i needed to come in today, friday and saturday, all for evening shifts. i don't think i even got paid for my first shift because "training hours" (if you can even call what they told me 'training') are unpaid. however, i wasn't trained on shit - i attempted to help with their hot sub making, which they said is what they hired me for, and then they made me dishboy. which is honestly fucking fine. i like dishes when it comes to food service. i'd rather clean than cook on a professional level, at least in this environment.

also, unrelated but i find it funny that so many in the tcc (particularly on tiktok and tumblr) are surprised when people are genuinely misanthropic and hateful towards people... like we idolize columbine, why are you surprised people are racist? you can excuse murder but actual hatred of people is where you draw the line?